The Autobiography of a Cat

The Autobiography of a Cat

To Lily, who is probably partying at the farm now. (I mean : by Lily 😉)

I was born on some day, in some place, I don't know the details, 'cause, hey, I'm a cat. Until some age I couldn't see, and oh, how horrible! Bumping into some sibling every other minute, ah, terrible! I heard my owner say she found me on the street. I still can't believe I was I once so poor. Oh, my, I must have been terrible. Oh my, oh my! Poor me, poor me. Anyway, after some number of weeks, I found myself in a warm, clean, delicious-smelling place, a home. At first it was a bit scary, but I got comfortable after meeting with yum foods, wonderful bed, great toys! There's this one like a mouse, and this soft one...(*1) Anyway, I mustn't stray from the subject, but I love luxury! Yeah, I got used to living indoors, but oh! That one horrible thing! Every day, at random, they (and by they I mean *shudder* the children) grab me, almost slap me, put their tiny hands in my fur, pull my tail, and *shudder* stroke me the wrong way! Ewww! You know, I'm thinking of running away, as I keep telling my friends, but umm... there's that one thing... that keeps me here... it's embarrasing to say, but... the Pawfeed beef-salmon-chickenmix cat food! It's the best. Whoever you are, you should try it. Oh, no, my mouth watered. Gah! Now I need some Pawfeed or I'll wet the autobiography. Excuse me for a mo. Thanks. Ok, I'm back. Well, in autobiographies, people tell special stuff that happened to them, so I decided to tell one or two. Here goes... So one day, it was like, really hot, and I went to our balcony. It was great, so I climbed up on the railing. But the breeze was just a teeny bit further, and so I streched out, and ... BAM! I fell onto the trampoline below, and BOİNG, and BOING, and BOING, and...(*2) and so forth. Then I had enough sense to try and not jump. Then I screamed and my owner came and took me home and gave me some Pawfeed. It was the third most scary thing ever. Or maybe the fourth. Or maybe the fifth. Or sixth. Seventh? Probably eighth. Or ninth. Or... (*3) Anyway, enough of that. So there's one more. One day, I went to the vet(by the way, do you know who invented a vet? Cause I wanna bite his head off), and we were sitting in some disgusting-smelling place, waiting, and there was this dog wearing an extremely weird collar. I laughed, because the dog looked so silly, and then *gulp*  So the dog was on a leash, but when I laughed he just ran at me, and his owner let go of the leash, and that horrible canine-monster grabbed my catbag, and started running away like mad. I was hissing,"I'm sorry!" but he didn't stop. Meanwhile, my owner and the dog's owner (by the way, that dog-owner must be crazy, she kept a dog when there are cats) were chasing us. Finally, they caught us, and when we went home, I was still so shaky I couldn't even eat Pawfeed, imagine! Anyway, that's all, 'cause autobiographies need lots and lots of details, and I never remember details, ever. Hey, I'm a cat. We forget. Anyway, bye, the end. Oh, sorry, I forgot! I know you're thinking, hey, how did this cat write all of this? Well, there's this daughter of my owner's friend, and she's super cool. She always brings me gifts. I love her. In fact, she's the only small-size person worth loving. Anyway, yeah, I had learnt writing from watching my owners, and so I wrote this autobiography, and then she came apon it, and corrected the few grammer and spelling mistakes (only a few, seventy or eighty, at most). And then I added this part to her corrected paper. I hope I did not make any mistakes. And, yeah, she's probably shown you this, and told you she wrote it, and taken all the credit. Well, she can, she knows her stuff. She could probably write it all by herself.  But actually, I did, just keep that in mind. And now I have an official autobiography, and I bet you don't. I'm also the first cat to have an autobiography. Meow! 

(*1): Editors note: We cut this part short because of lack of space.

(*2): Editors note: There are more boings in the official.

(*3): Editors note: We cut this part short as well.